Written by Jarell Culla, Associate Marriage and Family Therapist, AMFT156708

Do these questions sound familiar?

• “What do you want to do when you grow up?”
• “What college are you going to?”
• “What are you gonna do with your degree?”
• “When are you going to get a house, get married, or have kids?”
• “Do you even know what you’re doing?”

If you’re feeling a little triggered, you’re not alone. Society often pressures teens and young adults to decide their entire future while their brains are still developing. Many of my clients—teens, college students, and young adults—come to therapy honestly saying, “I’m lost,” or “I don’t know what I’m doing.” My favorite answer, though, is: “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

I’m Jarell Culla, AMFT, a Licensed Associate Marriage and Family Therapist helping adolescents and young adults navigate identity, relationships, and purpose. If this sounds familiar, you’re in the right place.

From “Love Doctor” Dreams to Real-Life Identity

As a kid, I wanted to be a “love doctor”—inspired by the movie Hitch. I imagined helping people find love, just like the dating consultant in the film. Becoming a therapist was the closest I could get, but I didn’t want my career to define me. Instead, I focused on becoming a hopeful romantic—a lens that would shape how I approached relationships and life.

One lesson from my ministry experience has guided me ever since: everything has an order.

• “You can’t speak well if you don’t listen well.”
• “Don’t serve from an empty cup.”
• “Seek first the kingdom of God, then everything else will fall into place.”

Out of all these, the one I come back to again and again is RIM—Relationship, Identity, Mission. Your mission is informed by your identity, which is shaped by your relationships.

For example, I identify as a “hopeful romantic” because I come from a line of passionate, Filipino lovers. Being exposed to these stories inspired me to help couples repair lost love—and ultimately helped me understand my purpose in life.

Relationship: The Foundation of Who You Are

Many of us ask, “What do I need to do next?” more than “Who am I?” But relationships shape your identity and influence your choices.

Friendships, family, and romantic partners have a huge impact on your life. Aristotle categorized friendships into three types:

1. Utilitarian friendships – based on mutual benefit (e.g., your barista or coworker).
2. Pleasurable friendships – based on shared fun or hobbies (like gaming buddies or sports teammates).
3. Virtuous friendships – deep, vulnerable, lifelong relationships built on trust, respect, and shared values.

Your relationship with yourself is just as important. Ask yourself: Do I love myself and my story? Am I living authentically? Surrounding yourself with people who support and challenge you helps you answer these questions and uncover who you truly are.

Connect with me to learn more about building healthy relationships in your life and with yourself.

Identity: Who Are You Really?

The question “Who are you?” is ongoing. Your identity is like a stained-glass window: all the broken, imperfect pieces come together to form something beautiful.

• What are your hobbies?
• How do you practice self-care?
• What values guide your choices?

Sometimes, discovering yourself is as simple as trying something new. I used to hate eggs as a kid—but one day, curiosity led me to try them, and I discovered a new part of myself.

Every experience, every choice, every relationship shapes your identity. You are more than your job, your grades, or your achievements. You are uniquely you, and your existence is a gift.

Explore self-discovery exercises for teens and young adults to help uncover your authentic self.

Mission: Living Purposefully

We are all made for a mission—something only we can accomplish. Your relationships and identity guide you to discover this mission.

Being lost can be a gift. It allows curiosity to lead you into adventure. Ask yourself:

• What makes your heart come alive?
• Who brings out the best (or worst) in you?
• What’s stopping you from being or doing what you want most?

Life isn’t about having all the answers—it’s about taking the journey that leads you to them. Mystery breeds curiosity, curiosity fosters courage, and courage allows you to live purposefully.

A Message to Teens and Young Adults

Next time someone asks about your career, college, or future milestones, try this:

“I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t fully know who I am, but today I’m choosing to be present.”

It’s okay to be uncertain. It’s okay to be exploring. Therapy can help you navigate this journey, uncover your identity, strengthen your relationships, and discover your mission.

If you’re a teen or young adult feeling lost, I invite you to schedule a session with me and start discovering the person you’re meant to become.